“You have freakishly small hands,” says the woman sat opposite me, who I have met only ten seconds previously. I stare down at my hands, which I admit are a little on the small side. The woman opposite is, I notice as I glanced up at the sticker on her chest, called “Matilda.” At least that is her fake name. Welcome to speed hating.
This is the brainchild of Mike Toller and Carl Hill (or Kirk de Vere as he prefers to be known at events). It follows the same basic concept as speed dating; however instead of two people spending three minutes trying to convince the other they need to go on a date with them, the point is to either discuss things you hate or throw insults at each other for three minutes at a time.
It doesn’t quite work like that, though. The small hands jibe is as bad as it gets for me. I have to convince most people to exchange insults with me, and even then they are rarely offensive. Even so, I’ll no longer be wearing a favourite polo shirt of mine, which, despite the lack of enthusiasm towards insulting me, is disliked by seven people.
The experience is quite quirky and fun at the start, but by the time it gets to the 12th time and you’re either trying to think of something different to “hate” so as not to repeat yourself or trying to draw the tamest taunts out of someone, it does drag on a bit.
All the women I speak to are rather jovial and friendly; I’m not sure what some of the men are doing at the far end of the table but they seem to be getting some harsh feedback. I find it difficult to believe that someone can convince someone else of anything in three minutes (one and a half if the time is split evenly) but some of the words I hear describing them include “a twat,” “a dick” or “a bit of a tit”.
Mike and Carl coordinate a series of club nights and dating events under the label of Feeling Gloomy. They all run on the same alternative theme of turning misery into something enjoyable. And in a way it works. They’ve even branched out to Berlin and New York – so they must be doing something right.
“It started out as a small idea that has grown and grown,” Carl says. “We think it works because it is something that is unique and a bit different. It provides something fun and alternative to what is on offer everywhere else. We probably have more success matching people up because it is so much more relaxed than speed dating.”
“Expansion is going really well,” he adds. “The nights in Berlin and New York are extremely popular and we are looking at new areas that might work with our concept. Fingers crossed Speed Hating will be as well-known as Speed Dating soon.”
Indeed, however much it might pretend to be something else, Speed Hating is just a dressed-up dating service. At the end of the night, participants are invited to view the ‘Wall of Shame’, a gallery of self-portraits we have to bring with us or draw quickly at the start of the evening. Each portrait has a small pouch where others can leave notes for people who they like (or hate).
Everyone lingers around the area sheepishly, pretending to admire some of the self-portraits, not daring to check their pouch first.
When they start, however, there are a lucky few who pulled out one, two or even three little notes with cheeky messages and mobile phone numbers scribbled on them. As I pluck up the courage to have a look (I don’t care, honest, I am here purely for journalistic purposes) and finally root around in my pouch, I… Well now, that would be telling.
Fancy a spot of speed-hating? Click here.
